Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Winter thoughts and birthday plans

If I had a conjoined centaur twin sister...

Long hair comes in handy sometimes

The plan for my birthday

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Hiraeth

The first time I discovered the white space I was four. It happened on one of those nights when my older sister Elene and I stayed at grandma's. I remember how much we loved spending time at her house: There were so many secret corners, so many rooms to hide in, and so many antiques to play with while she was watching soap operas on TV; we could explore the entire house while she was busy. Every single corner, except her bedroom. 

Grandma's room was always closed for us. The door, layered with a thick velvet curtain, looked intimidating yet intriguing, and the only time we were allowed to enter it was if we spent the night.



After the death of my grandfather, Grandma slept alone. She would lay on one end of their grand bed, fearing that if she somehow crossed "her side", she'd discover how lonely she was. Perhaps that was why she had us sleep in her bed when we stayed over. 


Grandma never went to bed without a long pre-midnight phone call with her friend. Her friend who lived just a block away would update her with all kinds of political news and celebrity gossip, followed up with the latest developments in soap operas. They spoke for hours! Little did grandma know that her high voice travelled all the way to the end of the house into her bedroom, and didn't let us sleep. We laid in bed, and talked, talked, and talked. After a while, we'd get bored and start inventing games. 

On one of such nights Elene crawled out of the bed and into the square opening in her duvet cover. I saw her  getting into the sheet, lifting the duvet and crawling under it, and although it seemed like there was no space for me, she insisted that I follow.

So I did. I crawled into the square opening with a floral lace contour, lifted the heavy woolen duvet just like her, and laid down on the side to roll under it, but there was no need for rolling - as I put my head under the duvet, the space expanded. Elene, who was curled up like an embryo before, now had enough room to get up, stretch her legs and make the first steps into a beautiful cave-alike soft structure. I got up too and followed her. 



The glowing white canyons narrowed and expanded; we started chasing each-other, and chasing the light illuminating the walls. Everything was smooth and velvety. My feet sometimes sunk deep into the ground; sometimes they slipped on the unexpected silky surfaces. We slid and rolled, jumped and ran, played peekaboo... 

Suddenly I lost her. I stood in a space much larger than us, even larger than the cathedral where our parents used to take us on weekends. It was magical: Vast, open, white, soft, cloud-like, glowing... I started wandering around. I felt safe and nested, no need to find the way back, no need to look for Elene anymore... I could hear her voice being absorbed by the folds and curves of soft walls, slowly becoming distant, but I didn't feel the rush to call back... 

"Oh, look at that, it's almost midnight!" - grandma's strong voice shook the walls of my temple, - "alright, honey, it was so great to catch up with you but I have to go to bed now... aaah, yeeees, ha ha haa" - I could feel the ground trembling under my feet. Everything started shrinking. SHE SHOULDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT OUR SECRET SPACE! - I thought and started running after the brightest end. The walls were getting heavier, and darker...

... I could see Elene's foot in the distance. Then her figure started shaping. WE ARE SAFE! I followed.

The door opened. Grandma checked on her girls sleeping. Then she turned on the bedside lamp and looked around for her nightgown. The lamp casted her shadow on the wall at my pillow. I watched her large figure changing, then felt her weight on the bed. The soft yellow light was replaced by a playful blue from TV. Voice of a man invaded the room. He was narrating a car accident on Mtkvari River. Three people died...




I could hear my grandma's breath getting deeper and deeper, and the silences between the sound of her old lungs being filled with short and low ones of Elene. Inhale.... exhale... inhale... exhale...

... My eyes were heavy, it was slowly getting dark...

... I found myself wandering in a soft white cave. In the distance Elene sang about butterflies...




-----------------------------------------------

I had this memory chasing me for a long time; finally, in December I started illustrating it, but I was struggling with materializing the cloud-like space I remembered. A week ago I found two beautiful photos on my friend Lucy's Instagram (@lluontheloose) and with her permission I used them as the space from my childhood. Thank you, Lucy!

Oh, and this is not the collaboration with Lucy that I mentioned before.

Oh, oh, and please forgive if you find some terrible grammar mistakes.

-----------------------------------------------

Some unsuccessful studies of the space: